Apparently, it has been about a year already since I last wrote a blog entry about you. I was wondering how I should start this. Hmm. Should I start off with 'How have you been?' or our usual conversation starter in the form of 'Yo.'? Probably not. So let me start this off with the reason as to why I decided to write another one for you. An ex boyfriend of mine messaged me last night asking me to delete a blog entry that I wrote about us a few years back. I wrote it out of extreme anger so it wasn't a happy blog entry at all. Don't get me wrong, we are okay. He just sort of suddenly remembered that post and he told me that he had been wanting to ask me to delete it for quite sometime already. He just never had the courage to ask me to till last night since I was being extremely nasty to him in the past. Lol. So anyways, when I checked the blog entry, I suddenly realized that it has been a while since I wrote anything at all. I reviewed my posts and there and then, I saw and read my last entry for you. I can't believe that it has already been a year. How fast time flies, as they say.
I want to tell you a lot of stories. How things have changed, my future plans. You have always been my shock absorber. I don't know if you realized but everytime I message you, I would always seem kind of 'off'. I guess I got used to the fact that whenever something bad happens to me, one message from you is all it takes to switch my mood back to the happy side. I bet you're smiling while you were reading that, huh? Same old Mr. M. :P Don't get it in your head, little man. It's not because you replied. It's because of what you are saying. That's what's making my mood better everytime. You never were the joker, actually. To me, you were more like a child. And that's what's making me open up to you. It was very easy. You have always been the honest type. You would go around saying stuff like 'Laro muna ako ha? Text nalang kita pagtapos. Hirap magreply e', or 'Di pa ako matutulog e. Mauna ka na' Haha. Yeah, I was laughing while I was writing that. I've always appreciated honesty in men. I guess it's so extinct nowadays that I find it rare to meet a guy who would actually say what he is doing, or what he can't do. With that, I know that I can tell you a lot of things because I know that I'll get an honest reply. Not something that you would say just to be polite, or just to somehow look cool, or tough, or whatever you guys want to look like. I never got to thank you for that. Thank you, for always being honest. With me, at least. :P
I was wondering. Lately, I've been tracking my blog's recent viewers and it has been constantly viewed from the Philippines. I was wondering if it was you, or someone else. You see, since I mostly let out my frustrations in this blog, not many people are familiar with this site's URL. Only the people whom I've mostly written blog entries about. So if in case that by some miracle, you suddenly remembered this site, feel free to read this entry because this is yours.
So, what do you exactly do when your marriage is on the rocks? Sorry if I'm being insensitive in asking you this because of, you know. Yeah, that. But anyways, I've been really wondering. I'm no saint, vampire. You know that, right? I've had my own share of misdemeanors in the past. However, I justify my actions by thinking that if I didn't do that, I'll get stuck forever in this mess that I'm in. I consider myself a lonely person. You often tell me that I laugh easily. That my laugh was contagious, even. But you also know how much I've been craving for affection. Four years of my life. I've spent four years of my life waiting for someone who now barely cares. Who changed so much, I no longer feel how it is to be special for someone. I was never the 'flowers-surprises-chocolates' type of girl but somehow, is it wrong for me to feel jealous when my friends post over Facebook the things that their partners do for them? I guess I am a flowers-surprises-chocolates type of girl after all. But... is it wrong? Is it wrong to expect my partner to show a little care? I won't be young, forever, vampire. I don't want it to come to a point wherein I'll regret the choices that I've made. I could have waited till I was about 27 to get married. I could have married someone else. I could have gotten myself a different man if I wanted to. I still could but I never wanted to. Not till all of this mess started. Truth be told, everyday I've been thinking if today is the time for me to let go. I can't be the only one who's gluing this relationship together for the rest of our lives, right?
Is it wrong for me to want someone who would be willing to go against all odds with me? It was bad enough that I have to always wait. You know how much I hate waiting. How many fights have we had everytime you were late in picking me up? :P Shouldn't I be credited for putting up with something I loathe for the past four years? I never demand, vampire. You know that. If I have to, I do very minimal demands. Is it wrong for me to demand that this time, I want someone who would be brave enough to resist all temptations and to just turn back from everything he grew up knowing and start a new chapter with me? with us? Is it that impossible? Because if it is with him, then I'd rather burn down our bridges together and just find someone else who'll be willing to do those things for me. As I've said, I'm not growing any younger. I don't want to grow old miserable or alone. I want someone who'll romantically propose to me infront of other people and tell me that he's willing to do anything just to be by my side. I don't have a need for someone who only stays with me because of the kids. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me more than his family, more than his friends, more than anything. I want someone who wouldn't spare a pretty girl a glance because he is scared that I'll leave him if he cheats. I don't want someone who so willingly embraces temptations but can't give in to my demands for reconciliation. I can't have that, vampire. It is too much for me and you can say that I got fed up. But more than anything, I'm scared. I'm scared of going through that pain again. I've always thought that it was better for him to beat me up than to hurt me emotionally. I'm already emotionally wrecked, vampire. What else is there to ruin?
Looking back, I don't think I'll be like this if I didn't undergo those painful events. 18 years of my life. I've lived 18 years without him. 18 years and I never experienced this kind of pain. How many flings have I had before him? Not one had cheated on me. Harsh, though, as it may seem, I had them wrapped around my finger. We would argue and the next day, I'd walk around UST's campus with a bouquet of flowers, no matter if it was my fault or theirs. I'd randomly receive sweet messages, I'd be surprised infront of my blockmates. You know, those kind of things. Is it wrong for me to miss those? If I were to ask you, do you think I made a mistake by marrying him this early? Maybe I should have ran away when I started noticing the signs of him being cold. The usual good morning texts are slowly being gone and he started to stop looking for me when I am not home. He stopped checking my accounts, and even the video call stopped. No surprises, nothing. Not even celebrations for anniversaries. I've learned to live with that, but I couldn't help asking myself this question: "What happened to us?". You've known me for quite a while. Am I hard to please? All I know is that I would have always picked up cheap dates than no dates at all. I'd rather eat off streets foods with someone who asked me to than to cry myself to sleep at night because my partner didn't even remember that it was a special day for us. Or for me, at least.
I'm craving for love. That's what my problem is. When he told me that I've changed, I actually already know that reason why. It's been so long since I've last felt loved by a guy and it makes me so desperately ask for his. I'm wrong, right? I was raised better than that. You told me so yourself. I wasn't even looking at you when we first met yet I already had you around my finger. I shouldn't be forcing myself to someone who cares so little about me. Maybe he used to care. USED to. Not anymore, though. Am I better off with someone else? I really need someone to talk to in person right now yet I am shy to admit the failure of my relationship. I've wasted four years of my life boosting him up to my family and friends and this is what I got. How can I tell that to someone face to face? Even when I'm face down on the ground, I still can't swallow my pride. I guess pretending is my specialty.
I was wondering. Lately, I've been tracking my blog's recent viewers and it has been constantly viewed from the Philippines. I was wondering if it was you, or someone else. You see, since I mostly let out my frustrations in this blog, not many people are familiar with this site's URL. Only the people whom I've mostly written blog entries about. So if in case that by some miracle, you suddenly remembered this site, feel free to read this entry because this is yours.
So, what do you exactly do when your marriage is on the rocks? Sorry if I'm being insensitive in asking you this because of, you know. Yeah, that. But anyways, I've been really wondering. I'm no saint, vampire. You know that, right? I've had my own share of misdemeanors in the past. However, I justify my actions by thinking that if I didn't do that, I'll get stuck forever in this mess that I'm in. I consider myself a lonely person. You often tell me that I laugh easily. That my laugh was contagious, even. But you also know how much I've been craving for affection. Four years of my life. I've spent four years of my life waiting for someone who now barely cares. Who changed so much, I no longer feel how it is to be special for someone. I was never the 'flowers-surprises-chocolates' type of girl but somehow, is it wrong for me to feel jealous when my friends post over Facebook the things that their partners do for them? I guess I am a flowers-surprises-chocolates type of girl after all. But... is it wrong? Is it wrong to expect my partner to show a little care? I won't be young, forever, vampire. I don't want it to come to a point wherein I'll regret the choices that I've made. I could have waited till I was about 27 to get married. I could have married someone else. I could have gotten myself a different man if I wanted to. I still could but I never wanted to. Not till all of this mess started. Truth be told, everyday I've been thinking if today is the time for me to let go. I can't be the only one who's gluing this relationship together for the rest of our lives, right?
Is it wrong for me to want someone who would be willing to go against all odds with me? It was bad enough that I have to always wait. You know how much I hate waiting. How many fights have we had everytime you were late in picking me up? :P Shouldn't I be credited for putting up with something I loathe for the past four years? I never demand, vampire. You know that. If I have to, I do very minimal demands. Is it wrong for me to demand that this time, I want someone who would be brave enough to resist all temptations and to just turn back from everything he grew up knowing and start a new chapter with me? with us? Is it that impossible? Because if it is with him, then I'd rather burn down our bridges together and just find someone else who'll be willing to do those things for me. As I've said, I'm not growing any younger. I don't want to grow old miserable or alone. I want someone who'll romantically propose to me infront of other people and tell me that he's willing to do anything just to be by my side. I don't have a need for someone who only stays with me because of the kids. I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who loves me more than his family, more than his friends, more than anything. I want someone who wouldn't spare a pretty girl a glance because he is scared that I'll leave him if he cheats. I don't want someone who so willingly embraces temptations but can't give in to my demands for reconciliation. I can't have that, vampire. It is too much for me and you can say that I got fed up. But more than anything, I'm scared. I'm scared of going through that pain again. I've always thought that it was better for him to beat me up than to hurt me emotionally. I'm already emotionally wrecked, vampire. What else is there to ruin?
Looking back, I don't think I'll be like this if I didn't undergo those painful events. 18 years of my life. I've lived 18 years without him. 18 years and I never experienced this kind of pain. How many flings have I had before him? Not one had cheated on me. Harsh, though, as it may seem, I had them wrapped around my finger. We would argue and the next day, I'd walk around UST's campus with a bouquet of flowers, no matter if it was my fault or theirs. I'd randomly receive sweet messages, I'd be surprised infront of my blockmates. You know, those kind of things. Is it wrong for me to miss those? If I were to ask you, do you think I made a mistake by marrying him this early? Maybe I should have ran away when I started noticing the signs of him being cold. The usual good morning texts are slowly being gone and he started to stop looking for me when I am not home. He stopped checking my accounts, and even the video call stopped. No surprises, nothing. Not even celebrations for anniversaries. I've learned to live with that, but I couldn't help asking myself this question: "What happened to us?". You've known me for quite a while. Am I hard to please? All I know is that I would have always picked up cheap dates than no dates at all. I'd rather eat off streets foods with someone who asked me to than to cry myself to sleep at night because my partner didn't even remember that it was a special day for us. Or for me, at least.
I'm craving for love. That's what my problem is. When he told me that I've changed, I actually already know that reason why. It's been so long since I've last felt loved by a guy and it makes me so desperately ask for his. I'm wrong, right? I was raised better than that. You told me so yourself. I wasn't even looking at you when we first met yet I already had you around my finger. I shouldn't be forcing myself to someone who cares so little about me. Maybe he used to care. USED to. Not anymore, though. Am I better off with someone else? I really need someone to talk to in person right now yet I am shy to admit the failure of my relationship. I've wasted four years of my life boosting him up to my family and friends and this is what I got. How can I tell that to someone face to face? Even when I'm face down on the ground, I still can't swallow my pride. I guess pretending is my specialty.
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