Red puffy eyes, silent disposition, and grieving over a very huge loss.
Yes, a lot of people might think that it is next to impossible for me to be like this. Of course, they’ve gotten used in seeing me as someone who could smile and make the most out of every situation. But I think that my happiness had run short this time.
I’ve always had a soft spot for animals. In fact, I think I love them more than I love children. I had taken care of a lot of animals since when I was young. We used to have fishes, turtles, lobsters, love birds, pigeons, hamsters, rabbits and a dog. Believe it or not, I even tried raising a beetle before. Now, we only have 3 Dachshunds, 1 Shih Tzu, 1 dwarf rabbit and 2 adopted cats. Of all the times that I lost a pet, my heart had been crushed into a million pieces; and if only I kept all of my tears all these years, I bet I could have my own river by now.
I had always been a strong little lady. I believe that most people could attest to that. I don’t get scared of anything easily because I think before I act. I also always stand up for what I believe is right so, the only times that my friends get to see me cry is when I cry over petty little things. And during those times, it only takes seconds before I could manage to bring out a smile on my face again. They haven’t seen me like this ever.
About a month ago, my mom saw two stray kittens playing outside of our house. She had always been a pet lover and I guess I acquired that characteristic of mine from her. Anyway, she immediately became fond of the two kittens because they look exactly like our 3-year-old adopted cat; also, for two homeless kittens, they look very happy and playful. We were planning to give them to my brother’s girlfriend so that they would be very well taken cared of. Unfortunately, they already have a lot of adopted cats, too. They could no longer accommodate the two new kittens. So, we ended up adopting them.
We never gave them luxurious lives but we never failed to treat them as part of our family. In fact, we named them after two chocolate brands, like all of our dogs and our adopted cat. We feed them branded cat foods just so we’ll be sure that they would get all the nutrients that are essential for growing up kittens, like them. And though they stay outside, we never rob them of their rights to be loved. In fact, there never was a time when we never think of them. We always consider them before making plans of going out.
When we first had them, they were very malnourished. They easily trusted me because I gave them food and water which, in a second was gone. They don’t even know how to drink on their own. I had to use medicine droppers just so they’ll be able to drink. I did that for about a week. That night, we found out that one of them was having diarrhea. We were very worried then because we thought that she’ll die. I remember praying so hard that night that I fell asleep praying to St. Francis of Assisi to let her live longer. Just so they wouldn’t be dehydrated, I would mix an energy supplement in their water. I clean their litter tray every night and on those times, they get to play with me. I disinfect their litter tray every week. I applied the ear drops on them when they had fungal infections. I literally raised them for a month’s time and it breaks my heart to see one of them “asleep” this morning.
St. Francis of Assisi did grant my prayer. She did live longer. Just not long enough for her to stay even just for her first birthday. Seeing her lying like that this morning, it kept me thinking what I did wrong for her to leave like that. I tried my best to do the best I could for her. And though I know that nobody lives forever, I never expected her to leave- At least, not right now and not like that. I would have been able to accept it easily if she had been suffering a whole damn lot for a very long time. But, though she always has been very thin compared to her sister, she looks normal. She always had a good appetite.
I wish that she had given me even the faintest idea that yesterday was the last time I’ll ever see her awake. I could at least have said goodbye. I was up until before midnight. If only she gave me signs that she was about to leave, I wouldn’t mind being with her until the time she departs. I could have at least told her how much I love her and I could at least touch and hug her for the last time. But, she left just like that. I guess it is true that when it is time for cats to go, they want to leave on their own. They don’t want their families to see them. I was disinfecting their litter tray last night and she was still looking at me like usual. Her innocent look and her funny little voice is still the same. I guess I mistook her “meow” for a greeting instead of goodbye. I thought she was just being sweet like before. Maybe that time, instead of calling my attention for a good old petting, she was calling me to ask me to let her go because it was time for her to “sleep”.
I’ve always grown used to winning every battle in my life. I guess at times like this, I am not scared to admit that I lost. People need to adapt to changes in their lives so they’ll be able to continue living. I know that time is all I need for me to get over this great loss of mine but, in the center of my heart, there’ll always be a great big hole from where she used to be. I know that memories don’t last forever. Surely, there’ll come a time when I am already old and I could no longer remember her face, the sound of her voice and all the little things that she had done to make me remember her. But, she’ll always have a place in my heart. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for her. This morning, even though she’ll never feel it for she’s in a very deep sleep then, I still contributed in fixing her up. Maybe from where she was then, she saw me and she could at least have something to be proud of when she moves on. She could at least boast to her future new friends whom she’ll meet that before she departed this world, she met someone who was kind enough to take good care of her and her sister; someone who would go as far as to beg the angel of death to extend her life, if given the chance.
Sleep well, Mars. Remember me in your dreams. Always remember that we love you. And if ever we meet again in a different time and in a different world, promise me that you’ll stay a little longer with me. I wouldn’t grow tired of taking care of you no matter in what time and in what world we are in. I would always wait for the time wherein I’ll wake up and hear your voice calling me again.
--FOR MARS. MY SWEET LITTLE KITTEN.
SEPTEMBER- OCTOBER 22, 2008
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