The blog entry he won't get to read.

This is the most useless blog entry that I will ever write. I'm actually making this for someone. Someone who, regretfully, won't get to read this anyway. Someone who, I'm afraid, won't talk to me anymore. Someone who I value more than all my girlfriends combined (yes, I know I suck as a friend, I'm sorry.), but lost with one great stupidity.

I would always regret my stupidity. I'm feeling a great deal of pain now and I actually don't know how I'll cope with it. I'm actually shutting myself to the world. I don't feel like talking to anybody, close friend or not. That's one thing that I learned from him, actually. You can't always depend on your friends. Most things in life must be solved on your own. It'll make you a much stronger person someday, although I'm seriously doubting myself if I'll ever be okay again.

So, going back, I am shutting myself to the world. I am sorry for my friends who'll get hurt because of this. It's not as if I don't believe in you, guys. I know that you'll always be successful in making me feel okay. ALTHOUGH, I placed myself into this mess and I want to fix this on my own. I want to prove him something, impossible as it may seem, based on the situation now. I made one big mistake. I messed up bigtime and I want to make up for it. That's the least that I can do to somehow make him see that I really am serious when I begged him to believe me this time.

I am such a mess and it makes my heart crush some more whenever I'll think about how he USED to hate it when I cry. Now, maybe he'll give me the same cold shoulder whenever he'll see me like this. 'Cause we're not the same as how we were a few hours ago. Before I wrote this, I called a close friend and the conversation was one of the worst ones I ever had. I just said hello, told the news and ended up crying the whole time that we were on the line. I had to drop the call to take in some deep breaths. That's when I decided that I can't talk to anyone- not now, at least.

I wouldn't give into vices. I wouldn't drink and hang out with friends because doing that won't help me fix this. I'll just make a fool out of myself if I drink. He made me realize that, as well. I think it would be better if I cry my eyes out all day and cry myself to sleep. I'm used to it and, I deserve it anyway. I'll sort and push out the wrong things that I've done out of my life. It's my last attempt to take back his trust.

I always say that I don't know what love is and yes, I really don't. I only know that it gives me a great deal of pain knowing that I frustrated him. It's like watching a little girl try to catch her balloon after she had been stupid enough to tie it loosely on her hand. She knows that no matter how hard she tries to reach for it, it's already too late yet she still jumps up and down hoping to get it back. It also goes with watching a lady send text messages to her leaving guy. She knows that she's being utterly stupid yet she doesn't want to stop because she knows in her heart that she can't lose him.

I always knew that I am a real magnet for trouble. I am clumsy and I have my own way of irritating people when I want to. I never knew that it has to come to this before I finally realize how stupid I am. Yes, I am stupid and I am useless. The more that I want to help, the more that I am pushing myself into more trouble. I took the most wrong turn this time and finally ended up on a dead end. It is entirely my fault. I should have stopped and stayed away from that road a long time ago.

I just thought that maybe he would have been proud of me if he knew that I was being totally proud that he's mine. I thought that he would be happy knowing that I was able to push away stuffs that aren't supposed to be within range of us. But yeah, me being a cause of trouble kicked in again. It messed us up. And it messed us up really good today. I don't think I ever hated myself this much. Why is it that when I wanted something badly, I would always make the most stupid action and have the worst result? How can I end up fuckin' my life so hard when all I ever really wanted was to make him proud? And everyone's a witness to that. God, the stars and everyone around me. How can I be the worst girl to a perfect guy?

And now, I'll make my bravest attempt into taking his trust back. I wont tell what I'll do. I would just do it. In fact, I already started it. You'll all figure it out soon.

*I am terribly sorry for my mistake. I am sorry for being totally stupid. I can't understand the simplest things thus, I always end up annoying you. I am sorry for being the worst girl. I am clumsy, I rarely listen and I bother you most of the time. I just wanted to make the most out of your 10-day stay here. As always, I failed. I caused trouble. Also, I am one big addition to your problems and I am terribly sorry for that. You never said it but I just feel it.

I know that I rarely hear out what you say but, that doesn't mean that I don't listen. I always take into consideration everything that you say. Everything aside for this. Maybe I just want you to trust me on that part. I want you to take a look at me and be proud knowing that I'll never give into temptations. Because that's actually the only thing that I can offer you. Loyalty. I can never be sweet because I don't know how to be one. I can't make you proud because I am neither beautiful nor do I excel in my studies. I just wanted you to feel that my world is full of you. There's no space left for others. But, you know me. I always fail.

As what I expected, I never got to say goodbye. I was too busy pissing you off to say goodbye properly. Again, I'm sorry. I guess you're back there now. I hope you're safe.

I was serious when I told you that I won't give up on this. I'm going to go for a last try into taking back your trust. I know that I don't probably stand a chance based from your last text messages to me but, well, I just can't go on knowing that I did nothing to take it back. I am doing what I want, now. I am happy with you. Spare me for being overly mushy. I rarely open up what I feel. There might not be another chance.

I never got to say some things to you. Thank you for kissing my hand. It made me believe that you wouldn't really leave. Thank you for holding my hand. I wonder if you noticed it but, I looked out the window when you did that. I was hiding my smile. When we hugged, you don't know how I'll give up everything just for that moment. My heart melted when I asked you if you wanted to stop this last April 18 and you said no. Also, no one can can hurt me. No one except you. I really love you more than you know.

Lastly, I feel bad that you wouldn't get to read this after all. I am sorry that I fucked up. I feel bad knowing that you wouldn't know how badly I'd do anything just to prove to you that you can trust me again. I am sorry. I never knew that the first time I'll get to open up would be my last as well. How ironic things are. I just don't feel like hiding that event from you. I made you a promise before. I'll tell you everything. I'll just go on and try to fix this. I hope I won't mess it up this time- Not that there is something to mess up more.
Iloveyouf0rever.

Tears and smiles.

In the few days that you were here, I came to learn something crucial. I actually took the painful way into learning it but, it was all worth it. I came to realize that in waiting for something, NEVER trust your imagination for it'll rarely go on exactly how you pictured it.

Like a princess hanging desperately for her life on a cliff, she'll always picture herself being rescued by her handsome prince. She knows that she can go up and save her life on her own but, she'll wait nonetheless. She has been spending eternity dreaming of holding her saviour's hands and living happily ever after with him. But, no one can predict the future. Yes, she'll meet her prince but, there isn't a hundred percent assurance that the prince would hold her hand forever. After all, they both have their own lives. They have their own duties. They aren't supposed to spend every minute together.

I would totally be honest this time. Though I say that I am strong and that no one can hurt me, the truth is, I am being constantly hurt. I am hurting every single moment that the truth would sink into me. You, coming back here, was the most anticipated event for me. I looked forward to it more than I looked forward for my own birthday. I was dumbfounded when I came to realize that I won't be seeing you for more than a day, after all. Yes, it hurts. The pain actually never leaves. I changed my wallpaper just so I wouldn't feel hurt every time I would see our picture, I tend to keep myself busy, I stay online for hours, opening up conversations with different people just to fill up the throbbing part of my heart. In the end, my eyes would still sting and tears would eventually flow down my cheeks.

It is an unimaginable pain and what makes it even worse is that I am never getting used to it. Or maybe, I'm stopping myself from getting used to it. I would wake up every morning and feel miserable knowing that it would be a miracle if there would be a message from you. Funny as it may sound, I still wait. I wait every single minute. Every tick of the clock is like a stab to my heart. I would force myself to sleep in the afternoons just so I would stop myself from being frustrated more. When my phone beeps, I would hurry up to check it because a big part of me knows that it's you. Yes, it's frustrating to see the name of someone else. It's frustrating,it hurts a damn hell of a lot and I hate it. However, I never get tired. I would go back into waiting.

I always tell you that you're never at fault. It's true. It's not your fault that I wait. It's completely mine. I never learn and that's the problem. I know that you are busy yet a strong hope still flares through my insides. I keep wanting to have your time. And that's one thing that I learned, too. I can't be selfish. I should learn to let go of my strong desire to spend the remaining days of your stay here with you. Mainly because you have your hands full already and partly because I know that it just wouldn't happen.

I woke up this morning and the most heartbreaking thought entered my mind as soon as I opened my eyes. You are leaving tomorrow and I'm afraid I won't get to say goodbye.
I was never good with farewells and the fact that I never got to see you go makes it a hundred times worse. We're getting colder everyday and I don't even know when I'll get to see you again. Or, if I'll ever see you again. I am saying this because the decision would always depend on you. I have said it a hundred times before. I won't quit.

I had been crying my eyes out for the past couple of days and I'm wondering how long it'll take for my tears to finally come to a complete stop. I am neither liking nor hating this. That's what's making me feel totally lost. I just want to stay with you. Mushy and stupid, yes, but it's the truth. The pain is actually nothing compared to the happiness that I feel when I receive even the shortest text message from you. :)