Of all the times that he said BOO, I never had been surprised. Partly because I know that he's just there and that I have full trust in him. I trust that he'll never leave without saying goodbye.
It never even crossed my mind that the only way on how he'll successfully surprise me is by saying that he'll wait but end up not coming back.
I don't know if he just got disconnected or if this is the part that I've been dreading. He told me a while ago that he won't get to talk to me for a few days or weeks for some reason ( I don't feel like elaborating it).
I feel very bad about it. I wish for tears to come instead of this intense pain. I feel really uncomfortable. I'm having trouble breathing and it seems as if I'm lost. I feel so bad that I am having trouble finishing this blog entry.
---
Talking to him is an addiction. MY addiction. It has become my habit. There hasn't been a day since February 18 (first chat date) when I never got to talk to him. I never had enough time to ready myself for this. Mainly because I never tried to. I don't want a day to pass without talking to him.
And now, it's morning already. 3:55 am to be exact. I'm resisting sleep. I don't want to sleep soundly tonight and wake up all miserable tomorrow. Once something has become a habit, it isn't easy to forget it. I would wake up tomorrow and feel twice as miserable as how I'm feeling today. Why? because tomorrow, if ever I sleep tonight, the first thing that I'll do is to open my computer just to see him offline. I wouldn't find the offline message that I've been hoping for. And what's worse is that he wouldn't be online for the whole day. I wouldn't get to see him sleep, I wouldn't hear his voice. There isn't anything to look forward to.
It's exactly like being dumped.
Only the pain is a little more intense because you know that he's still yours only you don't get to talk to him. And I hate missing people, especially him.
I always say that change is adaptable. That change is everywhere and that we should always be ready to face whatever lies ahead of us. But, I don't think I could think like that to him. He's literally everywhere.
His picture is my mobile phone and laptop's wallpaper.
He's on my Skype, Yahoo Messenger, Friendster and Facebook's friends list.
Also, he's always on my mind. No matter where I go, there's always something that's bound to remind me of him.
I am worried of the possible events that this space might bring us. What if, by the time that he gets his net connection back, he had grown accustomed to the space between us? What if he had been so detached to me that we would be back to being JUST friends?
I have full trust in him that the last thing that I would do is to let go. I would hold on to him, even if what's left for now is just mere memories.
I couldn't wait for the day when I'll get to receive a message from him again. I HATE waiting, I really do. But, he's the exception. I'll wait for him no matter how long it takes for him to take back that net connection. :]
--loveyouFOREVERpeach. :] keep safe.
Friday, March 27, 2009
A rag doll's thoughts.
CAKES AND FRUITS.
Something's bugging me.
Ok. It's not really just SOMETHING.
Well, I have a lot of questions that I always have wanted to ask. However, I am always short of courage. I just can't put myself into asking the questions that has been bugging me.
For one thing.
Why does a cake has to be a whole lot sweeter than a fruit?
Haha.
I am not one to admit my feelings but, I can't help it. I think that the difference between the sweetness is quite obvious. :D But I guess that's just a part of me being weird.
---
This is how I imagined this blog entry to be. Just full of questions and well, drama- free. But well, everyone's bound to have a hard time on something.
People have feelings and I believe that no matter how strong they say they are, they'll end up bursting out their kept emotions and insights sooner or later. And well, I guess it's my time now.
I am not one to talk about girly stuffs to everyone. I have my girlfriends for that matter. What I am when I am hurt is closed between me and my girlfriends' conversations. I like to keep the I-am-always-okay aura in order for me to control myself and not to end up crying my eyes out anywhere, anytime.
I finally learned that it is not the best solution. Not for me, at least. My mind is being pretty overflowing at the moment. It's just not spacious enough for new emotions right now and, well, I think that I have to ease out some of it before I finally end up breaking down which is the worst thing that could happen.
So, here it goes.
When I started using ragdoll as a nickname over Plurk, I was thinking of what possible explanation could there be for me to be qualified enough to call myself as a rag doll. I wasn't able to think of any reason that moment but I used the name anyway. Now, I already have the reason and I am pretty confident that that reason is all I need to justify myself for picking out that name.
A rag doll is a best friend. She would always be loyal to whoever owns her. Pour out your heart to her and you could be a hundred percent sure that the secret would always be kept in her.
Ignore her.
Say harsh words to her.
Leave her alone all day.
At the end of the day she would still welcome you with that warm smile. That permanent smile.
If her owner have problems, he'll cry to her and hug her. But...
A rag doll could not hug him back no matter how much she wants to. She would always dream about holding his hand. But, being a rag doll, her fingers were stitched together and all that she could do is to wait for him to hold hers instead.
When her owner is asleep, she would always fantasize to touch his cheeks. She'll end up wishing for him to switch positions while he sleeps just for her to have the chance to touch him if his cheeks would come near her hand.
She would always get jealous of his old Barbie dolls. She always envied them for being pretty.
Shiny hair, perfect body.
Everything that his owner would ever dream of.
While she spends eternity in that body made out of scraps.
That untidy yarn hair.
That fat body.
Not to mention the shaggy dress that has been destined for her forever.
No wonder her owner spent so much time with them. He combs their hair and changes their fancy clothes.
He shows the world his Barbie dolls.
A rag doll would always keep her emotions to herself. Her mouth is stitched out to that permanent smile that she can't even say the four words that means everything to her to the whole world.
I love him forever.
She could only show it to him by always being there. Because a rag doll would never let go. She'll stay with her owner even if she gets dumped in the farthest place under his bed. She'll stay with him even if he has grown old enough to let go of toys.
She'll always have that smile and those two shiny black buttons for her eyes. She'll always have her hands spread out into a hug. It's a look that shows how happy she is being with her owner.
She can't demand things from her owner no matter how much she wants to. Maybe because a person would never hear a rag doll's voice. She can't ask him to treat her like a Barbie doll because a rag doll is way too different.
A rag doll , unlike Barbie dolls, is home -made. It is carefully done by hands. The needle would prick the maker's fingers from time to time. The maker's hardwork pours out a soul towards a rag doll. That's why a rag doll, unlike Barbie dolls which are made out of plastics, can feel. They have soft bodies for a purpose. To allow their owners to hug them for as long as they want to.
Do you know what's the only thing that a rag doll wants?
It's definitely not a heart. Because a rag doll does not need a heart to know that she loves her owner so much. The pieces of scraps in her body wiggles at the mere sound of his voice.
It's a mouth. Because a rag doll can't speak. She just thinks. She wants to let go of that permanent smile even just for one night. She just wants to say out loud the 4 words and to have two questions answered.
If someone asks her who she loves most, what should she answer? Pet name or her owner's real name?
If someone asks her owner who she is, would his answer be just rag doll?
Something's bugging me.
Ok. It's not really just SOMETHING.
Well, I have a lot of questions that I always have wanted to ask. However, I am always short of courage. I just can't put myself into asking the questions that has been bugging me.
For one thing.
Why does a cake has to be a whole lot sweeter than a fruit?
Haha.
I am not one to admit my feelings but, I can't help it. I think that the difference between the sweetness is quite obvious. :D But I guess that's just a part of me being weird.
---
This is how I imagined this blog entry to be. Just full of questions and well, drama- free. But well, everyone's bound to have a hard time on something.
People have feelings and I believe that no matter how strong they say they are, they'll end up bursting out their kept emotions and insights sooner or later. And well, I guess it's my time now.
I am not one to talk about girly stuffs to everyone. I have my girlfriends for that matter. What I am when I am hurt is closed between me and my girlfriends' conversations. I like to keep the I-am-always-okay aura in order for me to control myself and not to end up crying my eyes out anywhere, anytime.
I finally learned that it is not the best solution. Not for me, at least. My mind is being pretty overflowing at the moment. It's just not spacious enough for new emotions right now and, well, I think that I have to ease out some of it before I finally end up breaking down which is the worst thing that could happen.
So, here it goes.
When I started using ragdoll as a nickname over Plurk, I was thinking of what possible explanation could there be for me to be qualified enough to call myself as a rag doll. I wasn't able to think of any reason that moment but I used the name anyway. Now, I already have the reason and I am pretty confident that that reason is all I need to justify myself for picking out that name.
A rag doll is a best friend. She would always be loyal to whoever owns her. Pour out your heart to her and you could be a hundred percent sure that the secret would always be kept in her.
Ignore her.
Say harsh words to her.
Leave her alone all day.
At the end of the day she would still welcome you with that warm smile. That permanent smile.
If her owner have problems, he'll cry to her and hug her. But...
A rag doll could not hug him back no matter how much she wants to. She would always dream about holding his hand. But, being a rag doll, her fingers were stitched together and all that she could do is to wait for him to hold hers instead.
When her owner is asleep, she would always fantasize to touch his cheeks. She'll end up wishing for him to switch positions while he sleeps just for her to have the chance to touch him if his cheeks would come near her hand.
She would always get jealous of his old Barbie dolls. She always envied them for being pretty.
Shiny hair, perfect body.
Everything that his owner would ever dream of.
While she spends eternity in that body made out of scraps.
That untidy yarn hair.
That fat body.
Not to mention the shaggy dress that has been destined for her forever.
No wonder her owner spent so much time with them. He combs their hair and changes their fancy clothes.
He shows the world his Barbie dolls.
A rag doll would always keep her emotions to herself. Her mouth is stitched out to that permanent smile that she can't even say the four words that means everything to her to the whole world.
I love him forever.
She could only show it to him by always being there. Because a rag doll would never let go. She'll stay with her owner even if she gets dumped in the farthest place under his bed. She'll stay with him even if he has grown old enough to let go of toys.
She'll always have that smile and those two shiny black buttons for her eyes. She'll always have her hands spread out into a hug. It's a look that shows how happy she is being with her owner.
She can't demand things from her owner no matter how much she wants to. Maybe because a person would never hear a rag doll's voice. She can't ask him to treat her like a Barbie doll because a rag doll is way too different.
A rag doll , unlike Barbie dolls, is home -made. It is carefully done by hands. The needle would prick the maker's fingers from time to time. The maker's hardwork pours out a soul towards a rag doll. That's why a rag doll, unlike Barbie dolls which are made out of plastics, can feel. They have soft bodies for a purpose. To allow their owners to hug them for as long as they want to.
Do you know what's the only thing that a rag doll wants?
It's definitely not a heart. Because a rag doll does not need a heart to know that she loves her owner so much. The pieces of scraps in her body wiggles at the mere sound of his voice.
It's a mouth. Because a rag doll can't speak. She just thinks. She wants to let go of that permanent smile even just for one night. She just wants to say out loud the 4 words and to have two questions answered.
If someone asks her who she loves most, what should she answer? Pet name or her owner's real name?
If someone asks her owner who she is, would his answer be just rag doll?
Friendster About Me. :]
I am Jessica.
My parents sentenced me to 11 years of imprisonment in Saint Paul College of Paranaque, an exclusive all-girls school.
I am currently taking up BS Biology in the University of Santo Tomas and I don't know what I was thinking when I took that up. I always pictured myself being a successful doctor when I was young, that's the only way on how I justify it. But, I also want to be a journalist. A writer. Any other profession which includes writing as the main work sounds very appealing to me.
---
I am half girly and half not so girly.I like pink. I wear skirts and dresses. Heels are always in for me. I use cosmetics. The man that I love is capable of hurting me.
BUT
I also like black. Jeans and shirts are cool with me. I highly think that sneakers are convenient. I tend to look wasted at times and, I don't mess up my life because my heart was broken. One cry and probably a bottle or two is enough.
---
I don't do drugs. It's just not in for me. I could mess up my life on my own if I want to. There's no need for me to look and act stupid. Besides, I don't want to end up hurting the ones whom I love.
I don't smoke. I just don't want to. I don't like the smell and I find it really troublesome. How can both of your hands function if you have a cigar on one of your hands, right? Also, I am a really clumsy girl. I don't want to end up burning my companion. Most of all, I don't want to die of lung cancer.
---
Love.
I don't really know what love is. I don't think I'm even capable of being sweet. I only say 'I love you' whenever I mean it. And I am the only one who knows if I really do mean it because I feel it.
I think love is when you go home straight, talk to him and end up laughing by yourself from the simplest joke that he shares. It is when he calls you through Skype and you know right then, from the moment that his face would appear and you get to look at his eyes, that you just don't like or want him but you need him. :]
My parents sentenced me to 11 years of imprisonment in Saint Paul College of Paranaque, an exclusive all-girls school.
I am currently taking up BS Biology in the University of Santo Tomas and I don't know what I was thinking when I took that up. I always pictured myself being a successful doctor when I was young, that's the only way on how I justify it. But, I also want to be a journalist. A writer. Any other profession which includes writing as the main work sounds very appealing to me.
---
I am half girly and half not so girly.I like pink. I wear skirts and dresses. Heels are always in for me. I use cosmetics. The man that I love is capable of hurting me.
BUT
I also like black. Jeans and shirts are cool with me. I highly think that sneakers are convenient. I tend to look wasted at times and, I don't mess up my life because my heart was broken. One cry and probably a bottle or two is enough.
---
I don't do drugs. It's just not in for me. I could mess up my life on my own if I want to. There's no need for me to look and act stupid. Besides, I don't want to end up hurting the ones whom I love.
I don't smoke. I just don't want to. I don't like the smell and I find it really troublesome. How can both of your hands function if you have a cigar on one of your hands, right? Also, I am a really clumsy girl. I don't want to end up burning my companion. Most of all, I don't want to die of lung cancer.
---
Love.
I don't really know what love is. I don't think I'm even capable of being sweet. I only say 'I love you' whenever I mean it. And I am the only one who knows if I really do mean it because I feel it.
I think love is when you go home straight, talk to him and end up laughing by yourself from the simplest joke that he shares. It is when he calls you through Skype and you know right then, from the moment that his face would appear and you get to look at his eyes, that you just don't like or want him but you need him. :]
Heartbreaks and letter.
A simple girl's letter to a perfect guy.
Choices. We all have choices.We decide on our own, just like the fact that I chose to like you despite obvious obstacles. It's funny how I end up not being able to write this as smoothly as my previous blog entries when in fact, everything that I have on my mind is strangely connected to you. Lately, you've been the hot topic on my mind. It's always about you.
My emotions are overflowing. I want to cry, to laugh and to shout out loud.
I want to run away and never show myself to you ever again but, a stronger part of me pictures myself running away with you.
I don't even know myself now. I used to be really transparent over everything. I cry when I'm sad, I laugh when I'm happy. Now, I laugh though every bit of me hurts and I pretend to be happy though my heart is being continually punctured by you.
My intentions are clear towards you. I want to like you and I am ASSUMING that you like me, too. I am falling deeper while you are having the time of your life playing. What's funny is that it does not matter to me.Go play. Just let me like you. Maybe, by the time that the game's finally over for you, I've already learned to love you. That's okay. There's always more than enough alcohol for me and the rashes from it are really tolerable. It numbs the heart burn for a little while.
I'll get drunk, kiss my girlfriends and sleep.
When I wake up, I'll have a severe headache and my heart would beat fast as your face would pop up on my mind as it always does every morning when I wake up. I'll go home straight just so I could still have a little talk with you before you have your afternoon nap.
I always love chatting with you. I'll go straight home from school just to wait for you to buzz me or something. Sometimes, I'll be oh so excited to come home just to find out that your internet connection bailed out on you and that we wouldn't be able to talk after all. It crushes my heart everytime, but you know what? It doesn't matter to me. I always understand you. I'm just happy doing it. There's always tomorrow, right?
I dread mornings. I never know what's going to happen. I guess I just don't like the idea of you being out of my life.I guess I've just grown accustomed to talking to you everyday and I can't picture myself doing something else on the range of times that I should've been talking to you.
You were never one to share your private life to me. I don't even know how many ex- girlfriends you ever had. Damn, I don't even know your REAL whole name. But, as always. I don't care. I just like talking to you anyway.
I don't like to demand things from you because what we are is actually a big blur to me. IT DOESN'T MATTER, THOUGH. I still love you, anyway. :)
Choices. We all have choices.We decide on our own, just like the fact that I chose to like you despite obvious obstacles. It's funny how I end up not being able to write this as smoothly as my previous blog entries when in fact, everything that I have on my mind is strangely connected to you. Lately, you've been the hot topic on my mind. It's always about you.
My emotions are overflowing. I want to cry, to laugh and to shout out loud.
I want to run away and never show myself to you ever again but, a stronger part of me pictures myself running away with you.
I don't even know myself now. I used to be really transparent over everything. I cry when I'm sad, I laugh when I'm happy. Now, I laugh though every bit of me hurts and I pretend to be happy though my heart is being continually punctured by you.
My intentions are clear towards you. I want to like you and I am ASSUMING that you like me, too. I am falling deeper while you are having the time of your life playing. What's funny is that it does not matter to me.Go play. Just let me like you. Maybe, by the time that the game's finally over for you, I've already learned to love you. That's okay. There's always more than enough alcohol for me and the rashes from it are really tolerable. It numbs the heart burn for a little while.
I'll get drunk, kiss my girlfriends and sleep.
When I wake up, I'll have a severe headache and my heart would beat fast as your face would pop up on my mind as it always does every morning when I wake up. I'll go home straight just so I could still have a little talk with you before you have your afternoon nap.
I always love chatting with you. I'll go straight home from school just to wait for you to buzz me or something. Sometimes, I'll be oh so excited to come home just to find out that your internet connection bailed out on you and that we wouldn't be able to talk after all. It crushes my heart everytime, but you know what? It doesn't matter to me. I always understand you. I'm just happy doing it. There's always tomorrow, right?
I dread mornings. I never know what's going to happen. I guess I just don't like the idea of you being out of my life.I guess I've just grown accustomed to talking to you everyday and I can't picture myself doing something else on the range of times that I should've been talking to you.
You were never one to share your private life to me. I don't even know how many ex- girlfriends you ever had. Damn, I don't even know your REAL whole name. But, as always. I don't care. I just like talking to you anyway.
I don't like to demand things from you because what we are is actually a big blur to me. IT DOESN'T MATTER, THOUGH. I still love you, anyway. :)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
When the best friend got envious.
Is your closest friend envious of your fabulous life?
Does she secretly take joy out of your miseries and ends up giving you fake pieces of advice?
Does she invent stories behind your back?
I just finished reading the first book of Gossip Girl and, well, I only have one question regarding the whole book.
If you have a close friend and you're together for, like, forever, is one of you really bound to get jealous of the other?
Well, yes I think I agree.
Don't ask me why. I won't give you details or proofs. Just the assurance that I have a really good reason to believe it.
One of you would always be jealous of how the other gets to be more popular than you are. And, it's no question why she does. You're together everywhere. You spend lots of time together and you explore new stuffs and places at the same time YET, the other always gets the more attention.
One would always see the ugly stuffs against the other no matter how many people compliments her. In the end, the envious part of the other would result into inventing nasty things against her so-called best friend.
And a lot more treacherous stuffs.
Well, it's a girl thing. Everyone's bound to take part in the bitchy side of the world.
Only, taking part in it and managing to stay cool is difficult.
You can't share the same spot with the one whom you are going against. The other would be the it- girl and the other would always be just the wanna-be who's bound to be trying to steal the spotlight all her life.
It's all just a matter of courage and confidence.
Always bear in mind that a useless person could always be replaced. The world has a lot of people in it for a reason.
You just have to take one courageous step forward and start looking for the right people for you. Leave the useless things behind. Let them have fun with their kind.
Exactly like what Serena did in the story.
--Blog entry inspired by the novel Gossip Girl by Cecily Von Ziegesar. (Let's not take credit for what other people worked hard for. NO TO PLAGIARISM)
Does she secretly take joy out of your miseries and ends up giving you fake pieces of advice?
Does she invent stories behind your back?
I just finished reading the first book of Gossip Girl and, well, I only have one question regarding the whole book.
If you have a close friend and you're together for, like, forever, is one of you really bound to get jealous of the other?
Well, yes I think I agree.
Don't ask me why. I won't give you details or proofs. Just the assurance that I have a really good reason to believe it.
One of you would always be jealous of how the other gets to be more popular than you are. And, it's no question why she does. You're together everywhere. You spend lots of time together and you explore new stuffs and places at the same time YET, the other always gets the more attention.
One would always see the ugly stuffs against the other no matter how many people compliments her. In the end, the envious part of the other would result into inventing nasty things against her so-called best friend.
And a lot more treacherous stuffs.
Well, it's a girl thing. Everyone's bound to take part in the bitchy side of the world.
Only, taking part in it and managing to stay cool is difficult.
You can't share the same spot with the one whom you are going against. The other would be the it- girl and the other would always be just the wanna-be who's bound to be trying to steal the spotlight all her life.
It's all just a matter of courage and confidence.
Always bear in mind that a useless person could always be replaced. The world has a lot of people in it for a reason.
You just have to take one courageous step forward and start looking for the right people for you. Leave the useless things behind. Let them have fun with their kind.
Exactly like what Serena did in the story.
--Blog entry inspired by the novel Gossip Girl by Cecily Von Ziegesar. (Let's not take credit for what other people worked hard for. NO TO PLAGIARISM)
Silly little truths.
I never spoke against you in any way since we used to have a bond with each other. But, you crossed the line already. It’s bad enough that you left me hanging without you judging me. You never got to know me that much so, I don’t need your judgment. In fact, I don’t need anything from you at all. The part of me that was dying hard just to impress you before was long gone and I’m proud to say that I have moved on already. I wanted to be a friend of yours since 2 of your friends are my friends, too. But, I don’t know what’s in your head that barricades that idea. I mean, c’mon. You said it yourself. We just aren’t for each other. So, let’s live life as we used to before we had our relationship. We don’t need connections with each other. Surely, neither of us would die if we do that, right? So, stop thinking that everything that I wrote and would write is always about YOU. FYI, you’re not my only ex and I don’t care about your life anymore because if I still do, I would have been sending you silly text messages like what I used to do, right?
I’ll make this clear. What I’m saying is that, just because I can’t get over you before, that doesn’t mean that I still love you now. Just because my world used to revolve around you don’t mean that, when we broke up, my world exploded, too and all the tiny pieces was left in you. In fact, my world chose to revolve to someone else.
The last time that we got to see each other, I showed you this quote:
If two past lovers remain as friends, it’s either they are still in love, or they never were.
You asked me which of the two categories I think we belong. And, I never got to give an answer. Now, I think I know where. We never were in love with each other. I was the only one who was in love with you that time.
So, let’s do things as we want it to. Let’s try not to mind each other and let’s stay as far from each other as possible. That way, you could control yourself to not think that I’m always pin-pointing about you. That could also lessen your improper violent reactions and that could also save me the trouble of writing another blog entry about you.
And another thing, I didn’t change. I’ve always been mean to people who’s bad to me. If you haven’t seen that side of me before, well, that’s not my problem. I’ve always been like this. Being mean doesn’t make me less of a girl. I got hurt, too when we broke up so, stop messing with me now, when I’m as good as when you first met me. I’m perfectly happy and contented with my boyfriend now so, you should, too with your girlfriend.
P.S. I told you that if you say I’m bad, what do you think of guys that leave their girlfriends, like you? They’re just as bad as mean people like me. Let’s stop pretending like we still have a chance with each other because, there isn’t. I figured it out long before you did.
--late post. Written over a year ago.
I’ll make this clear. What I’m saying is that, just because I can’t get over you before, that doesn’t mean that I still love you now. Just because my world used to revolve around you don’t mean that, when we broke up, my world exploded, too and all the tiny pieces was left in you. In fact, my world chose to revolve to someone else.
The last time that we got to see each other, I showed you this quote:
If two past lovers remain as friends, it’s either they are still in love, or they never were.
You asked me which of the two categories I think we belong. And, I never got to give an answer. Now, I think I know where. We never were in love with each other. I was the only one who was in love with you that time.
So, let’s do things as we want it to. Let’s try not to mind each other and let’s stay as far from each other as possible. That way, you could control yourself to not think that I’m always pin-pointing about you. That could also lessen your improper violent reactions and that could also save me the trouble of writing another blog entry about you.
And another thing, I didn’t change. I’ve always been mean to people who’s bad to me. If you haven’t seen that side of me before, well, that’s not my problem. I’ve always been like this. Being mean doesn’t make me less of a girl. I got hurt, too when we broke up so, stop messing with me now, when I’m as good as when you first met me. I’m perfectly happy and contented with my boyfriend now so, you should, too with your girlfriend.
P.S. I told you that if you say I’m bad, what do you think of guys that leave their girlfriends, like you? They’re just as bad as mean people like me. Let’s stop pretending like we still have a chance with each other because, there isn’t. I figured it out long before you did.
--late post. Written over a year ago.
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