Troubleshoot.

Peach,

Today, same as any other day, I am being a pain in the ass. I was trying to recall when I last gave you a highly possible headache and, guess what? I came up with the answer: yesterday. If we were playing, I would have taken the role of a very bratty little girl and you would have been my father. I'd always want things to go my way and you'd always be there to keep me on the right track. I'd always be the spoiled brat that I am and you'd keep me that way. Only it'd be in a good way. I am spoiled with your love but I should know the boundaries. Should I go over the clearly drawn line between right and wrong, I'd get scolded but NEVER left alone. You'd keep me company through my most rebellious days and you'd reassure me that you won't ever leave me no matter what.

With all the patience that you have been giving me, I was so sure that one day, one big fight is all takes for you to finally reach your limit. I was so sure of that- until you swore to me that you won't ever end this. I know that a swear, though from the word itself, shouldn't be broken, is such a common word nowadays that it is somehow being deprived of it's original meaning. Swears are, like promises, being broken by people of today. But, with all our misunderstandings and all, you proved to me that out of all the things in this world, that swear of yours is something that should take gazillion fights between us before it gets broken.

It pains me that, once again, I'm being impossible. Had I ended up with some selfish guy out there, I would have been left alone with my impossibility and a broken heart. But with you, I am breaking my own heart and probably yours, too, what with my uncanny ability to destroy a supposedly happy talk and all. I do most, if not all, of the destructions in some of our talks with my superb way of thinking. I've been wanting to change that and you have always been with me, patiently waiting for the day when I'll finally be able to outgrow that hellish attitude of mine.

I'm wrong, I know, no matter how often you state that I've done nothing wrong. Knowing that, I just can't sleep soundly. I know that you wouldn't like it much knowing that I've stayed up late for something that has been settled hours ago. I just... I guess I just wanted to ease out some of the guilt that I've been feeling. I know you'll say that I don't have anything to be guilty about. Still, you were tired with your 9am-6pm schedule and all and there I was, showing off my hell-bound way of thinking. It's enough to make anyone fly off their handle. In the first place, you wouldn't have been that tired had you managed to get enough sleep. We both know that you slept for less than 8 hours last night because we were talking.

So with all of those said, I want to apologize. 10 months with you made me familiar with the fact that you rarely take my apologies because according to you, I haven't done anything wrong. Still, let me make up to you by doing this. I haven't been able to compose a new blog entry in a while and I was planning that if ever I'll give writing a go again, my first entry would surely be about you. So here it is.

A while ago, I asked you what you would remember best about me. After you answered it, you asked me the same thing. My answer was on the safe side since I gave out "Everything.". Let me break it down for you. What I'd remember best about you covers up everything that happened from our first talk until now. The basics include your smile, your eyes, your nose, your lips and everything that you possess physically. But, what I'd remember more than those are the things that I've seen you do as my boyfriend. For one thing, I won't forget the fact that you would go as far as to slice my food for me. It's not everyday that people with me would do that. In fact, the only person whom I can remember doing that to me was my mom, when I was still little. The rest of the people whom I've spent eating times with, they don't give a damn even if I break my spoon and fork. I don't take it against them. I don't help them out, either. My point is that I feel special when you do that. Starving or not, you'd still slice my food for me if you see that I'm having a hard time doing it.

Another thing is the fact that you terribly hate reading but when I compose new blog entries, though definitely long and boring, you still read it. And I'd forever be thankful to you for doing that. I don't care if people read my entries or not. What's important for me is that you've read every single word out of it because more than half of my blog entries are about you. You inspire me to write by just existing and you make it almost impossible for me to quit writing by reading my posts.

Girl stuff. You give patience to my stories no matter how much you probably don't care about those stuff. You listen then you'll react. You know every single thing that happens to me everyday. Oftentimes, I think you know me more than all my girlfriends combined. And I'm very grateful that with having you as my boyfriend, you come as a dual package. Boyfriend and best friend combined.

I also would never forget the fact that, though simple as it may sound for you, you were the one who started to call me "peach". You have no idea how much I liked that. I'd much prefer that over the usual honey, baby or whatever's "in" among lovers of today. Why? Simply because for me, it's easy to call anyone sweet stuff but it'd be next to impossible to call anyone else "peach". I'd like to think, though it was highly imaginative of me to do so, that somehow, you won't easily forget me with the peach thingy. No matter where you go, somehow, I am hoping that whenever you see or read anything about peaches, I would always be the one who'll pop up to your mind.

There are dozens more of stuff like this that I won't ever forget about you. The way you always laugh at my silly jokes, the way you send me an instant message from the moment that your web messenger has been signed in, the way you refuse to drop the call while you're studying. Simple things like that always make my day. I know I never thank you for those but believe me, I have that stuck in my mind forever.

Oftentimes, it saddens me to know that with all of your great efforts, I still manage to screw things up. I know it's not easy for you, either, us being in a long distance relationship and all. But believe me, I'd choose the fights anytime as long as I'm with you. It's not easy holding on to me with my screwed up way of thinking but I would have to ask you to wait with me some more. Wait with me as I do my best to outgrow that. Why? Because there's no point in changing if I'm not with you anyway.

I love you forever. I hope you won't quit on me.

-LATE POST-

3Biology4

Thank you. :) Please guys, let's not trigger the waterworks. It's bad enough that I had to drag my resisting self to FEU yesterday just to take that entrance exam. By the way, I passed. :P Anyway, It's not as if we're not going to see each other in Med school, right? Besides, come on guys, we can't be blockmates forever. Don't make this any harder for me than it already is. Let go of my memories. Our memories. I know that we can't control the sentimental side of our emotions but hey, let's just study hard and be the future doctors that we aspire to become. :)

You're irreplaceable guys, srsly. :) You're the first people that I met outside of my Paulinian life. The boys, especially, would always be remembered. My first guy classmates after 11 years of imprisonment in Saint Paul. :D Did you seriosuly think that I could just throw away three years worth of friendship? You have to know me better than that.

Probably a lot of you are wondering why. Here's the thing. I've lived 11 years of my life in Saint Paul and the sudden change of the environment seriously shocked me. I guess it just never crossed my mind that life without help from your blockmates is possible. Yes, I know that you help but it's really far from the help that I need. Or maybe I've just grown accustomed to being the one who helps, when I was still a Paulinian. Spare my airiness. But if that's not the right explanation to it, I don't know how to explain it anymore.

When I was with you guys, I was never at ease. Rude as it may sound, I find other sections- warmer towards me. And that's the reason why I always take every chance that I can get to transfer my subjects to other sections. It's not true that I am avoiding my home section, come on guys, how's that possible, right? Chances are, I get higher grades when I'm with other sections than when I am with you. The source of my indifference lies when that first failure of my life came during our freshmen days. None of you probably noticed but you're not as nice to irregular students, really. And I guess I can't blame you for that. School was hellbound for me, at that time. I abandoned all hope in trying to find help in you. Try putting yourselves in the position as that of the irregulars. Did you seriously think that they would have wanted to be like that? They would've given up anything just for the slightest twist of fate. SOME, I'm not generalizing, act as if their IQs are higher than those of the irregulars. Too airy, srsly.

Don't hate me if I don't talk to you or if I'm not as nice to you than how I am to the other members of the class. Look back. I am not someone who acts without reason. There's a high possibility that you've done something really unjustly to me from the past three years.

I really had no intention of doing this farewell thingy. I'm not really good with goodbyes. I was actually detaching myself from the people that I loved most in this section long before the end of this semester. I just didn't think that I could bear the pain if I leave and our bond's still as strong as ever. I'm unfair, right? Unfair as I am, I was never that successful. Not stepping foot in UST is bearable. But not being able to be as close to Amiel? From the thought itself, it's torture. She's a rare find and knowing that I never even got to hug her goodbye doubles the pain. I was hoping that you'd take care of her in my place, not that she needs it, though. She's pretty strong and courageous. Just be with her when she needs you.

Anyway, back to where we were before. My plan of just disappearing failed when I tweeted my passing to the entrance exam yesterday. Haha. Those who were following me knew already and I thought that it's time to let everyone know. :) Yes, you're one blockmate short again, next semester. I AM TRANSFERRING. Don't rejoice yet, though. I'll be back. See you in Med school at 2011. Yes, I transferred because I wanted to finish my studies on time. I can't afford to be delayed. We still have a lot of years of studying ahead of us. :) I just thought that I might be able to perform better when I get to change the environment.

Again, thank you. You've taught me something really crucial. You'll know who your real friends are when they can tell both negative and positive stuffs to your face without worrying about your reaction until after they've said it. Why? Because it'll take a lot of guilty points for a real friend to talk about you behind your back. :)

PS
I still loathe Biology with all my heart. Curse you, Biology. What I feel about Biology is beyond hatred, srsly. BUT, I badly want to be a doctor so I'd just deal with it. It's a pretty complicated emotion, seriously. But, I'd rather stick with what I hate than to take up Med Tech and puke all my way to Med school with the stool and urine samples. Gross, dude. See you soon guys! :) I'll visit, promise. :)

Checklist. :P

This blog entry has been on my pending list for months now. In fact, if I didn't open my Blogger account, I might have never finished this at all.

I decided to make a blog out of this because I find it really coincidental that after I posted this on my Friendster blog site last April2009, I entitled it as 'I'd die for this.'. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever thought it possible that Ken would be able to fulfill almost everything on this list.

[x] Leave her cute text messages.
-He sent me this message before, telling me that he had set his alarm at 6am just to say good morning to me. :">

[x] Kiss her in front of your friends.
-He was being totally sweet to me despite the fact that we were infront of his friends. He was holding my hand and his friends even accompanied him in giving me a ride home. Also, friends or family, he doesn't care. He'll kiss me anyway. :)

[x] Trust her over everyone else.
-He told me that I have his full trust. :">

[x] Tell her she looks beautiful.

- He tells me this. He's pretty sarcastic sometimes, though, so there's a high chance that when he tells me this, something else is on his him. :))

[x] Look her in the eye when you talk to her.

[x] Tell her stupid jokes to make her laugh.
-Hahaha! This is something that he always does. Then we'll both end up laughing. :))

[x] Let her mess with your hair.

- I mess with his hair from time to time. When he just woke up, mostly. But when we're out on malls, or anywhere else, I never touch his hair. He might kill me. :D

[x] Mess with her hair.

-My hair's almost always messy. So, he ends up fixing it instead of messing with it. Haha!

[x] Just walk around with her.
-Walking in circles. HAHAHA. Why do we keep on doing that, anyway? He'll laugh when I start doing the Jessica's Penguin walk. :)) I end up doing that silly walk because I'm wearing his slippers which is way too big for me. :))

[] Include her in most things you do.

-THIS IS AN EXCEPTION. FOR US, ANYWAY. This is not something that should be done by lovers, I think. Though we talk as soon as I'm home from school till we sleep at night, we still make it a point to have time for our own personal affairs. Time with friends, time our families. :)

[x] When she cries do whatever to make her smile.
-It does not take much for him to make me smile again. He'll start hugging me. :"> He's the sweetest. There was this one time when he made me promise not to cry in front of him. He said that it really hurts him to see me cry.

[x] Forgive her for her mistakes.

- He always does. No matter how big of a sin I've made, he always forgives me.

[] Look at her like she’s the only girl you see.

-CAN'T COMMENT ON THIS. As stated above, I don't look at Ken when he's looking at me. :P

[x]Tickle her even if she says stop.

- He always tickles me because he knows that I am really terribly ticklish.

[x]Hold her hand even when you are around your friends.
-He doesn't just hold my hand in front of my friends, remember? If not, scroll up. Read this blog all over again.

[x]When she starts swearing at you tell her you love her.
-I NEVER swear at him. He doesn't swear at me also, no matter how mad he is to me. When we're having arguments, he'd rather not talk until his anger goes away.

[x]Let her fall asleep in your arms.

-I guess we share one thing in common. We're both almost always sleepy. When we're together, we'll sometimes just feel terribly sleepy and when we wake up, it's already dark. Hahaha.

[x]Get her mad, then kiss her.

-Serious face! Hahaha. Ken finds it funny when after he gets jokingly mean, I'll tell him that I'll put on the serious face. He never takes it seriously, though. I guess I really am not that convincing. Haha! Anyway, I find it really sweet when he kisses me after I became slightly pissed. It's really sweet of him. :">

[x]Tease her and let her tease you back.

-Haha. We always do this. Facebook, Skype, Y!M, in person. :D

[x]Stay up with her all night when she’s sick.

-HIHI. :"> He brought me to the hospital when I had gastritis. :D It was past midnight then. :">

[x]Watch her favorite movie.

- He was watching something else when I asked him to watch one of the scenes of one of my favorite movies entitled Battle Royal. We ended up watching the whole movie instead. :)) Also, he accompanied me to watch Dear John. :">

[]Kiss her forehead.

- I am not completely sure if he ever kissed my forehead, actually. :D

[x]Give her the world.

-I have his world, I believe. He makes me feel that way, anyway. :)

[x]Write her letters.

We're not fond of writing letters. Old school, much? :D I write him blogs. However, there was this one time when he sent me a letter through Yahoo Mail. The content's private. Main point: I got one letter from him. That's more than enough for me. :)

[x]Let her wear your clothes.

His over-sized shirt and shorts! :D Too bad I wasn't able to take a picture. He let me borrow his clothes when he fetched me from a debut party and I had no other clothes with me other than the gown that I was wearing. :D

[x]When she’s sad, hang out with her.

- We're always talking to each other so when I'm sad, he's the first to know and he's usually the first one to comfort me. :)

[x]Let her know she is important.

-He never fails to do this. I just don't know I'm important. He makes me FEEL important. :)

[x]Let her take all the photos of you whenever she wants.

-HA! Ultimate win. Hahaha. :P I managed to take a lot of photos and a handful of videos. :P Why? It's not everyday that I get to be with him. While he's in Japan, I at least have something to look at when we're not talking with our cams on. :)

[]Kiss her in the rain.

-We'll never do this because we might both get sick. That's the least that I want to happen. I don't want Ken to get sick. Also, kissing under the rain is never sweet for me. It's pointless and stupid. You'll just both end up getting sick.

[]And when you fall in love with her, tell her. And when you do tell her..Love her like you never loved before.

- He always tells me that he loves me so much and I can feel that he really means it. <3

If you opened any of my recent blog posts, OPEN THIS AS WELL.

I posted just one new blog entry a while ago. Yes, just one. It just so happened that Multiply's Import Blogs shit super sucks so, it ended up as a real disaster.

I post most of my blogs on my OWN blogger account before I upload them here on Multiply. What I do to spare me the trouble of having to copy then paste everything here is to just use the import application here on Multiply. Unfortunately, it turned out that if I use it, there'll be more trouble.

Before I posted that particular blog entry of mine (entitled 'Hate Mail'), I carefully unchecked all the other blog entries that are on my blogger account, leaving only that blog, checked. I turned off my laptop and went for a nap. When I woke up a while later, I opened my Multiply account and found out, to my great horror, that I flooded the inbox with blog entries. Half of which, aren't mine.

How's that possible?

If you read one of my posts from a long, long time ago, I am one of the 5 contributors of the http://kaninbaboycrew.blosgpot.com site. So, when the Import Blog Entries application here on Multiply failed, it automatically uploaded almost half of the blogs that were on that site, regardless of whether I wrote it or not, just because I am a contributor on that site.

I apologize for any trouble that it had caused you, in any way. It won't happen again for I definitely won't use that sick Import Blogs shit. It is very troublesome.

Hate Mail.

Hey Mr. Gay man,

Yesterday, while I, unlike you, was being extremely busy over something, I received a very surprising text message from one of my closest friends. And, do you know what it says? Probably not because you don't know anything apart from being the world's nosiest gay man. So, I shall say it to you, in favor of your minuscule brain. What she said was that you added her and her sisters over Facebook.

Mr. Gay man, how can you be terribly incapable of coming up with at least an acceptable plan? Your style is so old school that you'll make troublemakers really annoyed. Adding my CLOSE friends just so you can spy on me? Haha! As if they won't tell me. AS IF THEY DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE. :D

Just so you know, from the moment that you sent me that funny gay-ish message of yours over Facebook, I already told my closest friends who you are ( Or WHAT you are, based on my previous blog entry that I made especially for you and Mary Ann Uy). I am hoping that you'll get to read this. Why? Because I don't feel like repeating the things that I already said so I'll tell it here. Just this one time. No repeats.

So, here it is:

I know you well enough to know that you are nothing but a jerk. No. The better description is this: You are a good-for-nothing gay guy who does not know how to place himself where he truly belongs.

If you so badly want to know, I haven't spoken to my father for months now. You'll do well to stop spying on me or my brother or my mom. That asshole for a lady, Mary Ann Uy, would do well to do that, also.

I don't care who you are or whatever connection you have with my father. Just because you know my father, that does not mean that I should know you, too. If you so badly want to hook up with my father, I am so sorry that I can't be of any help. Try other guys, though. Maybe they don't have evil for daughters, like my dad.

I don't hold anything against gays. In fact, I know quite a lot of gays and we get along well. It's just that it'll be TOTALLY impossible for you and me to get a somewhat "okay" relationship. Why? Because you are a jerk and they are not. That makes all the difference in the world.

So, that concludes my message for you. I do hope that you'll wake up to reality soon. Go find some other guy and go spy on someone else. You're not growing any younger, Mr. Gay man. Don't live a life that you'll someday regret.

To tell you the truth, I feel great that at the age of 18, I can give pieces of advice to old gay guys like you. I guess despite my young age, I already did learn things that I'll need to be a much better person someday.

With utmost hatred,
The evil daughter.

For your popularity's sake:

School girl vs. The Mistress and the Ultimate Gayman.

I'll drift away from my "I super love my peach" blog entries to pave way for this one. :D If you're on my contacts list for a while now, then you probably got to read my mean blog entries from before.

When my ex and I broke up, however, I stopped posting mean stuffs because it'll be totally pointless by then. I even deleted some of them over my Blogger account and here, in Multiply.

If we're close, then it's not new to you that I fear no one. Your moms, profs, and anybody else. I don't get scared of them especially when I know that I have done nothing wrong. So if someone will be foolish enough to pop out of nowhere and start a really stupid argument with me, then GO ON. Bring it. I won't run away. I am strong enough to defend myself.

Apparently, two people never believed in me when I gave out the warnings about my bratty attitude. So, they got what they were looking for. A nice little argument. :)

The Mistress
Well, she used to send messages to my brother and got the same treatment as what I gave her. Here's our conversation:

Mary Anne Uy

Add as Friend

March 7 at 5:34pm

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hi pretty!

Jessica Crisostomo

March 15 at 9:21am

Do I know you?

Mary Anne Uy

Add as Friend

March 19 at 2:39pm

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no, but i guess i know you. add me pls

Jessica Crisostomo

March 19 at 3:31pm

And how did you know me? I'm sorry, I never add up people whom I don't know. :]

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 3:49pm

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actually, thru ur father...

Jessica Crisostomo

March 19 at 3:56pm

Oh is that so. :]

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 3:58pm

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yeah, do u miss him?

Jessica Crisostomo

March 19 at 4:07pm

:)

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 4:13pm

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ill take that as a yes. anyway he's so proud of u, dalagang-dalaga na daw and so pretty, i do agree...

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 4:24pm

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so, can we be friends?

Jessica Crisostomo

March 19 at 4:34pm

Nah. :] Do I look like a stupid little girl to you? :] I don't make friends with people who just pop out of nowhere saying silly things and asking pointless questions. :]

Loading...

Jessica Crisostomo

March 19 at 4:38pm

A smile neither means yes nor no, miss. :] Anyway. Of course. Dalagang- dalaga na talaga ko. I am a normal person and, a normal person grows up. :]

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 6:20pm

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u dont have to be sarcastic gurl, a simple yes or no will do. anyway, even mongoloid people grow up. maybe sa looks ka lang dalaga na. nice day!

Jessica Crisostomo

March 19 at 7:34pm

ooh. :) Did I hurt little miss friendly's feelings? I'm terribly sorry. -----NOT! hahaha. :D

Yeah, well. I would really appreciate it if you would stop popping out of nowhere and start bombarding me with questions. Personal questions, in particular. I don't even know you. :]

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 8:14pm

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thats definitely not a problem. im a woman of few words. so unlike you. i got ur point kanina pa, there's no need to repeat it. i understand, ur only a kid...

Jessica Crisostomo

March 19 at 9:31pm

The best way to prove that you're a woman of few words is either to ignore my messages or to reply with just a simple 'ok'. Oh, yeah. just to remind you, you, the woman with a few words, were the one who started this pointless conversation. Pardon me for being rude. I just don't feel like sharing my life with a total stranger. :] Bye! :]

P.S. Yes. I'm still a kid. :] I'm a kid but I'm old enough to know that it's not right to be nosy. :]

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 9:38pm

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curiosity might kill a cat but satisfaction can bring it back to life. anndd im very satisfied with ur reactions, and i wanna correct you THE WOMAN WITH FEW WORDS, WAS THE ONE WHO STARTED.... few words, few mistakes. bye too!

Mary Anne Uy

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March 19 at 9:44pm

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ooops, i said few words, as in plural ha, OK is one word lang. BYE KID!

Jessica Crisostomo

March 20 at 10:43am

HAHAHAHA. Are you trying to make me laugh?

'you, the woman with a few words, were the one who started this pointless'

so are you telling me that it's supposed to be like this?

you, the woman with few words, WAS the one who started this pointless

YOU WAS THE ONE? HAHAHAHAHA!

Go study english 101, miss, before you try correcting other people. :]

Btw, idioms, honey. try reading something about it. :] someone who is of few words don't speak much.

You're the exact opposite of that. :]

Bye kid? I know, right :] I'm still young. So, bye immature little miss 'lets pretend to be friendly'! :]
----
She never replied. Did she really think that I make friends with unknown people? Oh c'mon. How desperate can she be. :)) Mistresses, really.

The Ultimate Gayman
He is Mary Anne's friend over Facebook. I wonder if they are close friends. :D They share the same characteristics.

a.) They are both nosy.
b.) They are both spying on my accounts.
c.) They both lost on the argument. :D

"If I don't know you personally, I'll delete you.:] Sorry for those who'll be deleted."

Between You and Jeff Francisco

Jeff Francisco

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June 15 at 11:53am

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ang taray! why shud we be sorry? sino ka ba? hindi ka naman artista, ni hindi ka nga kagandahan! haha, feeler! wake up!

Jessica Crisostomo

June 15 at 12:58pm

Hahaha. :]

I beg your pardon? Honestly, you should study your English, Mister.

Aren't you a bit too OLD to not understand that? You made me laugh today, really. HAHAHAHA. :D

So, for your brain's sake, I shall explain it to you. Obviously, your brain can't understand what I posted. So here it is:

I am the one who is apologizing for the people who will be deleted because they wasted their time adding me up.

But you, no, I don't feel sorry that I deleted you. :]

Also, are you gay or what? :D Insulting girls? NOT THAT I AM INSULTED, by the way. It's just that- you, TRYING to insult a lady like me, looks, well, abnormal, don't you think? :D

You are being overly childish, not to mention, a little gay-ish. :D :D :D

Lastly, I don't feel like being an artist, anyway. I plan on being something MUCH BETTER. :D AND, 'ni hindi ka nga kagandahan! haha, feeler! wake up!' ??? HAHAHA! What the hell is this? HAHAHA. Feeler? HAHAHA. So gay. :D Guys don't use such words, aren't you aware of that? :D

So, this is where this conversation ends. :D I don't have any plans of stooping down to your level. I just, well, did you a favor by explaining to you what your brain can't fully understand. :] Bye! :]

P.S:
Feeler is so last year. Try searching for gay lingo dictionaries on the net to somehow improve your knowledge on the gay lingo :D

---
What he quoted was my shout out on my Friendster account (http://friendster.com/girlyragdoll) a few days ago. He's not my friend there so it only means that he's still spying on my accounts. Get a life, Gayman. :D

So there. They never replied. I hope they finally realized the things that they were supposed to know years ago.

a.) Don't get attached to people who are already married.
b.) Never provoke a brat.
c.) Don't argue with me. You'll never win.
d.) If you really know my dad, you'll know how snobbish I am. :)

For you.

This is for everyone to read but for just one person to accept. I won't tell who you are. So if you get to read this and you think that you can relate to it, then yes, I made this one for you.

Yes, this blog entry is much crappier than my previous ones. I am very tired today and well, it's already morning. I suddenly wondered if this blog entry would be the cause of my downfall as an aspiring writer.

Anyway, I want to thank you for sticking up to me until now. Knowing myself, I think that I am probably the number one cause of a headache for most people. I am very stubborn. I am very well aware that you, of all people, can attest to that. I rarely take any form of advice if I had my mind set on something already. I just don't want to live a life of regrets. As much as possible, I don't want to regret my decisions. Thank you for never correcting that attitude of mine. By doing so, if I fail over something, I can blame no one but myself because I was the one who made the decision in the first place.

Also, I want to commend your outstanding patience. You always listen to my every whine patiently no matter how much you don't care. If I don't feel okay, you'll feel bad for me, too. I can cry my eyes out in front of you because when I talk to you, I am just plainly 'the girl'. I can let go of my usual 'strong girl' mask. Even the strongest people in the world breaks down once in a while, right? After all, I am really just a girl. No one will ever know how much I'm hurting over a broken heart. No one except you.

Thank you for being able to make me laugh always. Yes, not just smile, but laugh. You are very capable of making me forget the things that are constantly hurting me. That's something that not everyone can do.

It's been a while since I've last posted a blog entry. And well, this is the first one that I made with a different topic, after a few months. You probably might kill me for being overly cheesy, that's why I didn't name you. So here. Spare a few minutes reading this crap, please. I'll never repeat these things ever, so you better read it now. :P

Alam mo ba ang sikreto ko?

230509

1.
07:47:(39 PM) Hiro Sanchez: bat ganyan stats mo?
(07:54:41 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: ahahahaha bakit? :">
(07:54:58 PM) Hiro Sanchez: walaaa :)) =))
(07:55:40 PM) Hiro Sanchez: ano ba ang iyong secret :>
(07:55:56 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: gusto mo talaga malaman? :">
(07:56:06 PM) Hiro Sanchez: oo
(07:56:17 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: Matagal ko ng gusto si Ken. :">
(07:56:55 PM) Hiro Sanchez: d na bago saken yon
(07:56:55 PM) Hiro Sanchez: :))
(07:56:55 PM) Hiro Sanchez: =))
(07:58:31 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: Bago yon!
(07:58:42 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: Di mo naman alam na matagal ko ng gusto si Ken :">
(07:59:01 PM) Hiro Sanchez: Kailan naging bago ang naging gusto mo saken
(07:59:01 PM) Hiro Sanchez: :))
(07:59:01 PM) Hiro Sanchez: =))

2.
(05:52:43 PM) Jes Dacapio: crush mo si wendell ramos
(05:52:43 PM) Jes Dacapio: un ang secret mo
(05:52:44 PM) Jes Dacapio: :))

3.
(11:28:58 PM) Gio Landayan: oo pare
(11:28:59 PM) Gio Landayan: alam ko ang sikreto mo
(11:29:10 PM) Gio Landayan: ang pnakalihim mo
(11:38:33 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: ano?
(11:38:34 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: :))
(11:39:50 PM) Gio Landayan: mahal mo si rivadelo
(11:39:55 PM) Gio Landayan: tyka si torio

4.
(07:42:27 PM) Angelo Santos: ano skreto mo?
(07:42:27 PM) Angelo Santos: :))
(07:43:53 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: matagal ko ng gusto si ken
(07:43:54 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: =))
(07:46:18 PM) Angelo Santos: hahahaha
(07:46:18 PM) Angelo Santos: :))
(07:46:21 PM) Angelo Santos: nababaliw ka na wanda
(07:46:22 PM) Angelo Santos: =))
(07:47:44 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: ahaha totoo naman eh

240509

1.
(01:47:57 AM) Ira Garcia: Hindi ko alam.
(01:48:01 AM) Ira Garcia: :)
(01:48:44 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: matagal ko ng type si ken :">

2.
(01:29:24 AM) reD Gumangan: nd ko p alm sikreto mo...
(01:29:27 AM) reD Gumangan: :D
(01:33:22 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: ahahaha
(01:33:25 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: ang sikreto ko ay
(01:33:30 AM) reD Gumangan: ou nga nd ko alm..
(01:33:30 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: matagal ko ng gusto si ken
(01:33:31 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: :">
(01:33:35 AM) reD Gumangan: naks!
(01:33:43 AM) reD Gumangan: sweat!
(01:33:48 AM) reD Gumangan: este sweet!
(01:34:23 AM) reD Gumangan: cge mag mahalan kyu!!:D
(01:34:26 AM) reD Gumangan: go jessica..
(01:34:29 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: ahahahaha :P

3.
JR Cansino: pede b mlamn sikreto m?:))
(02:06:13 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: oo
(02:06:19 AM) Jessica Crisostomo: matagal ko ng gusto ang bf ko :))
(02:07:24 AM) JR Cansino: naks ..sweet nmam . alam b nia??;):-P

4.
(08:41:22 PM) Raymart Velante: ui
(08:41:25 PM) Raymart Velante: jessica!
(08:41:29 PM) Raymart Velante: musta? hehe
(08:41:33 PM) Raymart Velante: d ko lam sikreto mu e
(08:41:34 PM) Raymart Velante: :d
(08:41:36 PM) Raymart Velante: wahahaha
(08:42:07 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: matagal ko ng gusto bf ko :">
(08:43:57 PM) Raymart Velante: haha
(08:43:57 PM) Raymart Velante: nice :d


---
Yeah. So this is actually a line from a Parokya ni Edgar song which I like so much because I can relate to this line. :D

This is actually a trap. I am hoping that, like them, Ken would ask me what my secret is. So here it is:

Alam mo ba ang sikreto ko?














Matagal na kitang gusto. :)





Only one person got it right. :D
240509

1.

(01:45:40 PM) Kisses Gawaran: ano yng status? :)
(01:45:47 PM) Kisses Gawaran: 'Matagal na ktang gusto'
(01:45:47 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: aling status?
(01:45:48 PM) Kisses Gawaran: 'Matagal na ktang gusto'?
(01:45:50 PM) Kisses Gawaran: :)
(01:45:51 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: oo!
(01:45:53 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: hahahaha :))
(01:45:56 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: pag nagtanong si ken
(01:46:00 PM) Kisses Gawaran: HAHAHAHA
(01:46:00 PM) Kisses Gawaran: KNEW IT :))
(01:46:03 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: ano yang sikreto mo?
(01:46:08 PM) Kisses Gawaran: :))
(01:46:09 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: sasabihin ko
(01:46:16 PM) Jessica Crisostomo: matagal na kitang gusto :">


Spare me for being mushy. :D

An ugly duckling's thought.

WHY DO I EVEN BOTHER WRITING DOWN MY THOUGHTS WHEN I KNOW THAT THEY SUCK? WHY DO I HAVE TO PROLONG IT WHEN I KNOW HOW TO SAY IT DIRECTLY ANYWAY?

SHE'S GIVING ME A HEARTACHE THAT I DON'T DESERVE.

YES, IT HURTS. THE PAIN IS UNIMAGINABLE AND I DON'T KNOW UNTIL WHEN I CAN BEAR THIS. ITS THE WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD FOR ME. ONE LOOK IS ALL IT TAKES FOR THE TRUTH TO SINK INTO ME. IN EVERY ANGLE, IN EVERY WAY, SHE'S GREATER THAN ME. THAT'S ONE THING THAT I HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? IT HURTS MORE TO TRY TO TALK TO ANYBODY AND HEAR THEIR FALSE COMFORTING WORDS BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED TO LOOK INTO THEIR EYES TO KNOW THAT DEEP INSIDE, THEY CAN SEE CLEARLY THAT I AM FIGHTING A LOSING BATTLE.
---
CRAP. THIS IS THE CRAPPIEST BLOG ENTRY IVE EVER DONE. MORE THAN HALF OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW WOULDN'T GET TO UNDERSTAND THIS AND THE REMAINING HANDFUL OF MY FRIENDS WOULDN'T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THIS.

BOTTOM LINE? IF YOU LOVE ME, DO ME A FAVOR AND PLEASE DO TAPE MY MOUTH. LATELY IM BEING DIFFERENT. I AM OPENING UP MY FEELINGS AND IT SO NOT OKAY FOR ME TO BE LIKE THAT. I WANT THEM TO BE KEPT INSIDE ME AGAIN, WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE IT.

Spill it out.

Dear Mr. I love you,

This is me, your accident prone girlfriend, writing you yet another blog entry. Although, I am seriously doubting this. I am a hundred percent sure that somehow, this would turn out to be a real mess.

Just this afternoon, at around 430pm, I think, I realized that I am a real magnet for trouble and that I am better off without saying anything. I am therefore taking a big risk into writing you this. My thoughts are highly different from yours and from everyone else. I tend to misunderstand things when they don't go into my way of thinking. I guess that's what's wrong with wanting to be a writer. If a story goes out of my storyline, I keep on thinking that the whole story would definitely mess up my dream ending. That's one thing that I have to let go of. I admit, with great difficulty, that in terms of understanding others, I am nothing but a mere weak girl. I don't have enough strength to listen to them. I always end up ranting and accusing them of being different as to how they were before.

In other words, yes, in that perspective, you can call me self- centered. I am having great difficulty understanding the minds of others. I am actually having a hard time trying to change that awful attitude of mine. If I am talking to you and I end up reading just mere HAHAHAs and an eyeful of emoticons, I would quickly jump into the conclusion that you are being obviously cold. I never take into consideration your obvious effort of talking to me. I never even spare time to think that you are probably busy. Why? Simply because I am being overly childish and selfish. I keep on wanting your time. Your WHOLE free time, for that matter. I am actually hating myself for that. Because if there's one thing that I want to let go of, it is that attitude of mine. Yet, unfortunately, letting go of that is taking a longer process than expected. Admittedly, I, myself, don't know when I'll wake up and realize that I can go on the whole day without asking for every second of your time.

I read a quote a while ago saying that the only thing that you can change in a relationship is yourself and I really agree to that. Arguments will always be expected if I never learn to outgrow that attitude of mine. In my life, I have myself centered into being a doctor after a few years. That's one of my long term goals. As for now, I am currently giving my 100% into my short term goals. I actually have three:

1. I want to be back into being a bassist.
2. I want to be thinner.
3. I want you to be proud of me.

The first two, I can live without. But the last one? I wont quit without trying. Yes, it's like betting every penny I have into a race. There isn't a hundred percent assurance that I'll reach the finish line before anyone else does but, I'm still willing to try. No, 'give my best' is the better term for it. I am not the fastest runner in the world. I always end up being the third placer out of my PE class. Yes, JUST third out of the whole class. But, I am the first out of all the girls. What's the connection? If I can outrun every girl out of our class, there is no reason for me to fail into beating the first two guys ahead of me. Partly, I changed. I have faith in myself now. Whenever I look back, I'm slowly leaving behind the old me. The hopeless me who always ends up crying for nothing. I figured that if I don't trust my own self, no one has the right to trust me, too.

Change is always there and well, I am not saying that I can change in just a blink of an eye. I'll still feel odd whenever I'll read HAHAHAs and a dozen emoticons from our chats but, slowly, with my own will, I'll eventually learn how to let go of that. I am writing you this to apologize for still not being able to control it until a while ago. I am not saying that on our next talk, I'll be a totally different girl because it would be idiotic to say that. But, I swear that I'll keep a big note inside my head with flashy red lights on saying : HAHAHAs and emoticons doesn't necessarily mean that he's being cold.

By then, no matter how many HAHAHAs and emoticons I'll receive from you, I'll always remember how sweet you are. That's what I like best about you, actually. I think it is awfully hard to find and trust a guy who is sweet. But, well, I found you and I definitely trust your every word.

I am not demanding you to spare me from accusing you of being cold a while ago. It is my fault, as what I explained on this blog entry of mine. I refuse to see your efforts just because I refuse to change that particular attitude of mine. But, I am hoping against hope that someday, you'll understand me and somehow, you'll see that I am giving my best into trying to push that out of my entire self. Why?

Simple.

If making you proud of me is part of my short term goals, NEVER quitting on us is a big part of my long term ones.

Yes, a lot of people would say that forever is such a big word and that it might not be possible for a person to love someone until such time. But, it wouldn't hurt to try and I definitely won't lose anything if I do. I am not someone who scrawls my name beside yours at my notebooks nor am I someone who writes your name and encloses it in a big red heart. I got tired of my old habit of staring at your pictures for a long stretch of time when you're gone and my mouth is slowly running out of words about you when I talk to my friends. BUT, I often find my self staring at nowhere and thinking about you. And, above all, at nights, you often visit my dreams. No, they're not always about fairy tales and happy endings but the fact that you were there, no matter how nightmarish that dream was, makes that dream special. Why? Because as how Cinderella said it, 'A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep'. You're my first and last thought everyday and well, I guess I never stop thinking about you after all. Because even when I sleep, my brain still thinks of you subconsciously.

I don't believe in charming princes, knights in shining armors and I definitely don't believe into frog princes. But I do believe in you. I believe you every time you say that you love me, too. I believed you when you said a while ago that you'll never get tired of me. It breaks my heart every time because I sense and see the sincerity in you and in return, I always end up making you feel bad. I always mess things up. But slowly, I am trying to throw out every stupid bit of myself. I am hoping that somehow, someday, you'll eventually see and feel it. Tonight, I let go of my pride. I admitted something that I never wanted to admit before. I admitted that I am wrong over something. I hate being criticized but, tonight, I looked at myself critically and saw my flaw. I can't always be right over everything. A writer writes different stories but they all have wonderful endings. Just because an event doesn't go with my storyline, that doesn't mean that I won't get the same ending. Sometimes, stepping into the unknown gives off something much better than if you just followed one path. I must change.

I think you're already tired of hearing this but, I'll say it anyway. I love you forever. I also don't know how long forever is but, if ever I'll die tonight or any other day, I'll linger on as how Casper did and maybe he'll let me borrow one of his lines, too.

I'll ask you something that he used to ask Kat.

"If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?" :)

-from your trouble-making girlfriend.

*Spare me for being mushy. I, unlike him, is not capable of being sweet. I just like to open up my thoughts so that I wouldn't feel the need to go to the asylum anytime soon when my thoughts overflowed. Please, please don't steal my lines. For the first time, I'll beg. I made it for him and I don't want any other guy to hear the same words from anybody else. I've forgiven those people who used to use my lines out of my old blog entries without permission. But, if you use ANY line out of this particular blog entry without permission or without quoting me, expect war.

The blog entry he won't get to read.

This is the most useless blog entry that I will ever write. I'm actually making this for someone. Someone who, regretfully, won't get to read this anyway. Someone who, I'm afraid, won't talk to me anymore. Someone who I value more than all my girlfriends combined (yes, I know I suck as a friend, I'm sorry.), but lost with one great stupidity.

I would always regret my stupidity. I'm feeling a great deal of pain now and I actually don't know how I'll cope with it. I'm actually shutting myself to the world. I don't feel like talking to anybody, close friend or not. That's one thing that I learned from him, actually. You can't always depend on your friends. Most things in life must be solved on your own. It'll make you a much stronger person someday, although I'm seriously doubting myself if I'll ever be okay again.

So, going back, I am shutting myself to the world. I am sorry for my friends who'll get hurt because of this. It's not as if I don't believe in you, guys. I know that you'll always be successful in making me feel okay. ALTHOUGH, I placed myself into this mess and I want to fix this on my own. I want to prove him something, impossible as it may seem, based on the situation now. I made one big mistake. I messed up bigtime and I want to make up for it. That's the least that I can do to somehow make him see that I really am serious when I begged him to believe me this time.

I am such a mess and it makes my heart crush some more whenever I'll think about how he USED to hate it when I cry. Now, maybe he'll give me the same cold shoulder whenever he'll see me like this. 'Cause we're not the same as how we were a few hours ago. Before I wrote this, I called a close friend and the conversation was one of the worst ones I ever had. I just said hello, told the news and ended up crying the whole time that we were on the line. I had to drop the call to take in some deep breaths. That's when I decided that I can't talk to anyone- not now, at least.

I wouldn't give into vices. I wouldn't drink and hang out with friends because doing that won't help me fix this. I'll just make a fool out of myself if I drink. He made me realize that, as well. I think it would be better if I cry my eyes out all day and cry myself to sleep. I'm used to it and, I deserve it anyway. I'll sort and push out the wrong things that I've done out of my life. It's my last attempt to take back his trust.

I always say that I don't know what love is and yes, I really don't. I only know that it gives me a great deal of pain knowing that I frustrated him. It's like watching a little girl try to catch her balloon after she had been stupid enough to tie it loosely on her hand. She knows that no matter how hard she tries to reach for it, it's already too late yet she still jumps up and down hoping to get it back. It also goes with watching a lady send text messages to her leaving guy. She knows that she's being utterly stupid yet she doesn't want to stop because she knows in her heart that she can't lose him.

I always knew that I am a real magnet for trouble. I am clumsy and I have my own way of irritating people when I want to. I never knew that it has to come to this before I finally realize how stupid I am. Yes, I am stupid and I am useless. The more that I want to help, the more that I am pushing myself into more trouble. I took the most wrong turn this time and finally ended up on a dead end. It is entirely my fault. I should have stopped and stayed away from that road a long time ago.

I just thought that maybe he would have been proud of me if he knew that I was being totally proud that he's mine. I thought that he would be happy knowing that I was able to push away stuffs that aren't supposed to be within range of us. But yeah, me being a cause of trouble kicked in again. It messed us up. And it messed us up really good today. I don't think I ever hated myself this much. Why is it that when I wanted something badly, I would always make the most stupid action and have the worst result? How can I end up fuckin' my life so hard when all I ever really wanted was to make him proud? And everyone's a witness to that. God, the stars and everyone around me. How can I be the worst girl to a perfect guy?

And now, I'll make my bravest attempt into taking his trust back. I wont tell what I'll do. I would just do it. In fact, I already started it. You'll all figure it out soon.

*I am terribly sorry for my mistake. I am sorry for being totally stupid. I can't understand the simplest things thus, I always end up annoying you. I am sorry for being the worst girl. I am clumsy, I rarely listen and I bother you most of the time. I just wanted to make the most out of your 10-day stay here. As always, I failed. I caused trouble. Also, I am one big addition to your problems and I am terribly sorry for that. You never said it but I just feel it.

I know that I rarely hear out what you say but, that doesn't mean that I don't listen. I always take into consideration everything that you say. Everything aside for this. Maybe I just want you to trust me on that part. I want you to take a look at me and be proud knowing that I'll never give into temptations. Because that's actually the only thing that I can offer you. Loyalty. I can never be sweet because I don't know how to be one. I can't make you proud because I am neither beautiful nor do I excel in my studies. I just wanted you to feel that my world is full of you. There's no space left for others. But, you know me. I always fail.

As what I expected, I never got to say goodbye. I was too busy pissing you off to say goodbye properly. Again, I'm sorry. I guess you're back there now. I hope you're safe.

I was serious when I told you that I won't give up on this. I'm going to go for a last try into taking back your trust. I know that I don't probably stand a chance based from your last text messages to me but, well, I just can't go on knowing that I did nothing to take it back. I am doing what I want, now. I am happy with you. Spare me for being overly mushy. I rarely open up what I feel. There might not be another chance.

I never got to say some things to you. Thank you for kissing my hand. It made me believe that you wouldn't really leave. Thank you for holding my hand. I wonder if you noticed it but, I looked out the window when you did that. I was hiding my smile. When we hugged, you don't know how I'll give up everything just for that moment. My heart melted when I asked you if you wanted to stop this last April 18 and you said no. Also, no one can can hurt me. No one except you. I really love you more than you know.

Lastly, I feel bad that you wouldn't get to read this after all. I am sorry that I fucked up. I feel bad knowing that you wouldn't know how badly I'd do anything just to prove to you that you can trust me again. I am sorry. I never knew that the first time I'll get to open up would be my last as well. How ironic things are. I just don't feel like hiding that event from you. I made you a promise before. I'll tell you everything. I'll just go on and try to fix this. I hope I won't mess it up this time- Not that there is something to mess up more.
Iloveyouf0rever.