Dear Mr. I love you,
This is me, your accident prone girlfriend, writing you yet another blog entry. Although, I am seriously doubting this. I am a hundred percent sure that somehow, this would turn out to be a real mess.
Just this afternoon, at around 430pm, I think, I realized that I am a real magnet for trouble and that I am better off without saying anything. I am therefore taking a big risk into writing you this. My thoughts are highly different from yours and from everyone else. I tend to misunderstand things when they don't go into my way of thinking. I guess that's what's wrong with wanting to be a writer. If a story goes out of my storyline, I keep on thinking that the whole story would definitely mess up my dream ending. That's one thing that I have to let go of. I admit, with great difficulty, that in terms of understanding others, I am nothing but a mere weak girl. I don't have enough strength to listen to them. I always end up ranting and accusing them of being different as to how they were before.
In other words, yes, in that perspective, you can call me self- centered. I am having great difficulty understanding the minds of others. I am actually having a hard time trying to change that awful attitude of mine. If I am talking to you and I end up reading just mere HAHAHAs and an eyeful of emoticons, I would quickly jump into the conclusion that you are being obviously cold. I never take into consideration your obvious effort of talking to me. I never even spare time to think that you are probably busy. Why? Simply because I am being overly childish and selfish. I keep on wanting your time. Your WHOLE free time, for that matter. I am actually hating myself for that. Because if there's one thing that I want to let go of, it is that attitude of mine. Yet, unfortunately, letting go of that is taking a longer process than expected. Admittedly, I, myself, don't know when I'll wake up and realize that I can go on the whole day without asking for every second of your time.
I read a quote a while ago saying that the only thing that you can change in a relationship is yourself and I really agree to that. Arguments will always be expected if I never learn to outgrow that attitude of mine. In my life, I have myself centered into being a doctor after a few years. That's one of my long term goals. As for now, I am currently giving my 100% into my short term goals. I actually have three:
1. I want to be back into being a bassist.
2. I want to be thinner.
3. I want you to be proud of me.
The first two, I can live without. But the last one? I wont quit without trying. Yes, it's like betting every penny I have into a race. There isn't a hundred percent assurance that I'll reach the finish line before anyone else does but, I'm still willing to try. No, 'give my best' is the better term for it. I am not the fastest runner in the world. I always end up being the third placer out of my PE class. Yes, JUST third out of the whole class. But, I am the first out of all the girls. What's the connection? If I can outrun every girl out of our class, there is no reason for me to fail into beating the first two guys ahead of me. Partly, I changed. I have faith in myself now. Whenever I look back, I'm slowly leaving behind the old me. The hopeless me who always ends up crying for nothing. I figured that if I don't trust my own self, no one has the right to trust me, too.
Change is always there and well, I am not saying that I can change in just a blink of an eye. I'll still feel odd whenever I'll read HAHAHAs and a dozen emoticons from our chats but, slowly, with my own will, I'll eventually learn how to let go of that. I am writing you this to apologize for still not being able to control it until a while ago. I am not saying that on our next talk, I'll be a totally different girl because it would be idiotic to say that. But, I swear that I'll keep a big note inside my head with flashy red lights on saying : HAHAHAs and emoticons doesn't necessarily mean that he's being cold.
By then, no matter how many HAHAHAs and emoticons I'll receive from you, I'll always remember how sweet you are. That's what I like best about you, actually. I think it is awfully hard to find and trust a guy who is sweet. But, well, I found you and I definitely trust your every word.
I am not demanding you to spare me from accusing you of being cold a while ago. It is my fault, as what I explained on this blog entry of mine. I refuse to see your efforts just because I refuse to change that particular attitude of mine. But, I am hoping against hope that someday, you'll understand me and somehow, you'll see that I am giving my best into trying to push that out of my entire self. Why?
Simple.
If making you proud of me is part of my short term goals, NEVER quitting on us is a big part of my long term ones.
Yes, a lot of people would say that forever is such a big word and that it might not be possible for a person to love someone until such time. But, it wouldn't hurt to try and I definitely won't lose anything if I do. I am not someone who scrawls my name beside yours at my notebooks nor am I someone who writes your name and encloses it in a big red heart. I got tired of my old habit of staring at your pictures for a long stretch of time when you're gone and my mouth is slowly running out of words about you when I talk to my friends. BUT, I often find my self staring at nowhere and thinking about you. And, above all, at nights, you often visit my dreams. No, they're not always about fairy tales and happy endings but the fact that you were there, no matter how nightmarish that dream was, makes that dream special. Why? Because as how Cinderella said it, 'A dream is a wish your heart makes when you're fast asleep'. You're my first and last thought everyday and well, I guess I never stop thinking about you after all. Because even when I sleep, my brain still thinks of you subconsciously.
I don't believe in charming princes, knights in shining armors and I definitely don't believe into frog princes. But I do believe in you. I believe you every time you say that you love me, too. I believed you when you said a while ago that you'll never get tired of me. It breaks my heart every time because I sense and see the sincerity in you and in return, I always end up making you feel bad. I always mess things up. But slowly, I am trying to throw out every stupid bit of myself. I am hoping that somehow, someday, you'll eventually see and feel it. Tonight, I let go of my pride. I admitted something that I never wanted to admit before. I admitted that I am wrong over something. I hate being criticized but, tonight, I looked at myself critically and saw my flaw. I can't always be right over everything. A writer writes different stories but they all have wonderful endings. Just because an event doesn't go with my storyline, that doesn't mean that I won't get the same ending. Sometimes, stepping into the unknown gives off something much better than if you just followed one path. I must change.
I think you're already tired of hearing this but, I'll say it anyway. I love you forever. I also don't know how long forever is but, if ever I'll die tonight or any other day, I'll linger on as how Casper did and maybe he'll let me borrow one of his lines, too.
I'll ask you something that he used to ask Kat.
"If I tell you I love you, can I keep you forever?" :)
-from your trouble-making girlfriend.
*Spare me for being mushy. I, unlike him, is not capable of being sweet. I just like to open up my thoughts so that I wouldn't feel the need to go to the asylum anytime soon when my thoughts overflowed. Please, please don't steal my lines. For the first time, I'll beg. I made it for him and I don't want any other guy to hear the same words from anybody else. I've forgiven those people who used to use my lines out of my old blog entries without permission. But, if you use ANY line out of this particular blog entry without permission or without quoting me, expect war.
